Do you know a passive aggressive person who uses moping as a weapon or plays victim to express anger? Here's how to spot and deal with one
Do you know anyone who will agree to do something for you but then turn up late for the task and sulk because they are missing something else to help you? Or a cook who burns the chapatti day after day even though she can make better ones? This is passive aggressive behaviour.
Usually this sort of personality trait does not depend on a particular situation, but cuts across to all aspects of their life — work, relationships and other social-set-ups. In fact, people who are chronically passive aggressive are notorious for playing the victim in relationships. They are known to be perpetually negative, obstructive and find excuses for their procrastination, stubbornness, inefficiency as well as under-performance. They are bound to their resentment more closely than to their satisfaction. Clinical psychologist Shweta Bhatnagar explains, "It isn't visible anger like hitting or shouting, where one is evidently angry and needs to vent. Passive aggression is a covert form of abuse, which is subtle, veiled and more often than not, sugar-coated with love and concern. Because of its tricky characteristics, often those who engage in the behaviour are unaware of the extent of damage they inflict. When confronted, they are sincerely dismayed. Their own lack of insight into their feelings makes them believe others misunderstand them or are holding them to unreasonable standards."
Interestingly, there are strains of this in all of us, some stronger than others. "Women in fact, are a lot more passive aggressive in their behaviour than men. While it isn't a devastating realisation, the negativity needs to be expunged to be happy and emotionally healthy. As children, women are told to be nurturing, caring and non-aggressive. They take on the martyr mode but as events in life pile up, they start holding others responsible for their misery. Taking care of others becomes an excuse for neglecting themselves, for which they resent the others, usually spouses," says Bhatnagar.
Passive aggressive people are not ill meaning. They are simply illequipped to handle certain truths. Their strongest emotion is denial, while they have a strong desire to connect; their defence mechanism makes them guarded to the point of being self-destructive. Yet, it is not only detrimental for the individual suffering from passive aggression, but also for those subjected to it. Here's how you can identify the people with passive aggressive tendencies.
Lacking anger
Essentially, this form of aggression is the inability to express anger in a healthy way and takes years to develop. As kids, they are made to believe that anger is unacceptable, so they go through life without actively expressing it. They seem very accommodating, but tend to give it back in an under-handed manner. They sabotage situations and relationships to get their point across instead of dealing with it in a healthy communicative manner.
Blame game
They almost never take responsibility for their actions. It is anyone, but them. In relationships, almost all the problems can be traced back to your lack of concern or complacency without any responsibility being taken on their part. Be it communication gaps, intimacy issues, adjustment problems, it is all usually your doing.
Ambiguity
They rarely mean what they say, or say what they mean. Their actions speak louder than words and that's the best way to judge them. They don't act until they've caused some stress by their ambiguous communication. They may say they are okay with you staying in touch with a certain ex-girlfriend/boyfriend but may find covert ways of blaming your current problems on your behaviour in past relationships, or sabotage your communication with them without coming under the scanner.
Procrastination and sullenness
While we all are guilty of being procrastinators, passive aggressive individuals use it as a tool to get their way. They find ways to project negativity around them. They are moody and often do not like doing things they didn't sign up for. While they may never accept it openly, their actions always convey their intent.
Conscious obstructionism
This is a common form of work place aggression, exhibited by passive aggressive people, when an employee justifies why they hinder their own work, by being complacent with their responsibilities. Besides, people with this disorder expect others to run their errands and to carry out their daily responsibilities. They tend to walk slowly, work slowly, deliberately to slow down the pace of work and their daily productivity.
Fear of intimacy
They have difficultly trusting people and are very guarded in their relationships. They avoid intimate attachments. They may be intimate in bed and make you feel loved, but their sense of detachment runs deep. During a difficult phase, they will be able to disconnect easily and keep you on tenterhooks.
Them and you
According to psychotherapist Prerna Shah, through their dependency they control you. They make you feel they don't need to depend on you, but find ways to attach themselves much closer than they'd admit. They engage in relationships where someone can be an object for their hostility. "They are attracted to people with low self esteem, who will make excuses for their bad behaviour. Over time, their partner feels blamed for everything while being made to feel like they are in a loving relationship, with someone who is unable to form a meaningful bond," says Shah.
How to deal with passive aggressive behaviour
- The best way to deal with them is to understand the problem and confront it. Help them acknowledge their share of damage is essential for their own well-being.
- Let the conversation be about your feelings not their bad behaviour and do not attack their character. Bring up one issue at a time and try not to stretch the conversation indefinitely.
- Recognise that a passive aggressive person is not a victim. Don't be bullied into accepting faults. They need to be made to feel responsible for their own actions.
- Be straightforward with a passive aggressive person. When they ill-treat you, speak to the person about the behaviour in a direct manner.
- If they resist, they will need encouragement and your intention should be made clear.
- For any drastic change to happen, the realisation needs to come from within. They should be willing to acknowledge their own self-destructive behaviour and seek help for it.
- Sometimes it helps to revisit childhood issues and seek closure in order to have mature relationships and to be happier individuals.
- Friends, family, professional help and even meditation go a long way in reassuring a passive aggressive of trust and faith.
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